I developed a foolproof strategy to make him commit: Be unavailable.
My dating coach said men love the chase. So I created a complex algorithm to calculate response times.
Text response formula: (His wait time x 2.5) + mercury retrograde adjustment + lunar phase coefficient.
Had my assistant Sarah send "sorry, busy" texts according to this schedule.
Built a spreadsheet tracking his reaction to each delayed response. Color-coded by desperation level.
Sarah would report back: "He seemed really sad today when I told him you're too busy to grab coffee."
After month 6, I upgraded to advanced tactics. Had Sarah tell him I was on spontaneous trips to Dubai.
Plot twist: I was actually hiding in my apartment, analyzing his Instagram activity patterns.
Month 9: Sarah suggested maybe I should just talk to him directly.
I fired her for not believing in the process.
Month 12: He started dating someone who actually responded to his texts.
Plot twist: It was Sarah.
Their wedding invitation arrived today. The RSVP deadline is calculated using my own response time formula.
Sarah's wedding vows included "Thank you for teaching me what NOT to do in relationships."
I'm now a dating coach teaching others how to lose potential partners in 10+ easy steps.
(Update: They named their first child "Available")
(Update 2: My response time algorithm is now studied in psychology classes as "What Not To Do 101")
Sometimes the best dating strategy is to actually date instead of creating Excel sheets about dating.
(My new dating coach is a golden retriever who just suggests showing up and being happy to see people)
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