My boss called me "Employee of the Month" today.
My photo now hangs in the break room.
Right next to the microwave that smells like fish.
My coworkers clapped as I accepted my $15 gift card to the company store.
Where everything costs $20.
My manager praised my "incredible loyalty" in front of everyone.
What he doesn't know:
I've been quietly crying in my car during lunch breaks while refreshing job boards, desperately trying to find a new job.
For two years.
My search history is just "how to find a new job that doesn't make me dead inside" and "is it normal to dream about quitting."
I smile and say, "I just love our company culture."
Translation: "I can't find a new job no matter how hard I try."
My LinkedIn profile says "open to work" but only my therapist can see it.
Last month I applied to 83 jobs, following every job search tip I could find.
I got two responses.
Both asking if I'd consider an unpaid internship.
I'm 42.
When they handed me my award, they asked for a speech.
I said I couldn't imagine being anywhere else.
Because my imagination broke from overuse trying to find a new job for years.
My friends ask why I stay at a job I hate.
I tell them it's complicated.
It's not complicated.
It's rent.
The real employee of the month award is health insurance when you can't find a job elsewhere.
During the ceremony, my boss talked about my "incredible journey" with the company.
Journey implies movement.
What I'm doing is standing still while slowly turning to stone, trapped in a job search that goes nowhere.
But I smiled for the photo.
I've gotten really good at smiling.
It's my most transferable skill when trying to find a new job.
Too bad nobody's hiring professional smilers these days.
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